Unstoppable

Brainstorming session.

The image above is from the the last interview for my current position. It was a brainstorming session about how to help students overcome barriers to success. The smartest thing I’ve ever done in an interview was to ask to snap this picture, so that I could reflect on it later. I’m still reflecting on barriers to success, not just for students, but for me. The thing about barriers is that they are easy to see, but much more difficult to overcome.

A lack of confidence has always been my biggest barrier. I’ve rarely had a competence problem, just a confidence one. I’ve been thinking a lot about this competence versus confidence thing for a while. My lack of confidence has often driven me to competence by forcing me to learn everything I can about a subject. If I can’t be confident, I can at least be knowledgeable, right?

My first year in my current role was one of learning, growth, and coping. I got the invitation for the final interview while in the ICU with my dad after his stroke. And I thought “Well, this may as well happen, too.” At no point in the interview process was I ever sure that I would land the role, but here I am well into my second year, and my dad’s improved a lot, so things are bit easier to manage than they were. I’m feeling more like myself again and finding my voice as a leader again. I have high hopes for the future.

Someone once told me: “I don’t think you realize how capable and competent you truly are. If you were fully confident, you would be unstoppable.” It’s been 20 years, and I still think about that Every. Single. Day.

And every day I get a little bit closer to believing it.

I've also been thinking a lot about the narratives that we tell ourselves and how they shape our lives and decisions. I ran across this poem I wrote after I just turned 20.

“Law school”

I thought about
Going to law school today.
But then I thought
I'm too nice to be
A lawyer.
Sometimes, I think this world is going
To eat me alive,
And I'd probably
Forgive it.

I'm not sure why I thought I couldn’t be both nice and a lawyer, or why I wouldn't be able to be successful as a lawyer, but it made me wonder. How many times have I failed to chase some dream or opportunity, because I thought I had to be a certain way to do it? How many times did I not go after a leadership position because I thought being an introvert wouldn't make me a very good leader? Or I thought that I had to be a certain way to be successful at something? Maybe I should have pursued being a lawyer after all.

One area of growth for me is that I'm still hesitant to go after anything I don't think I will be immediately good at which is ironic because I’ve told students that it's okay NOT to be immediately good at something and it's okay to have to work hard at things. I am the worst at taking my own advice. I’m also a work in progress.

Recently, one of my colleagues told me to “wear my confidence.” I love that so much, and I’m trying. I started to realize there are so many people rooting for me and cheering me on, and I’m so grateful. And on my least confident days, I’m learning to clothe myself in their words of support.

Someday I will be unstoppable, and I hope the world will be ready.

Kimberly