Prone to Wander
This meme popped up in one of my social media feeds, and I could NOT stop laughing.
Lent is not something that I've ever really observed much throughout my life. As far as I know, I'd never heard of it in my Baptist upbringing. I suppose my first real exposure to it was when I lived in Louisiana in grad school. My boss at the bank used to say that having to eat seafood in the bayou wasn’t much of a penance. And I'd have to agree. Food was pretty bomb in Louisiana, especially seafood. I need to make it out to the Crawfish Festival again some day. That's the other thing I miss - there was always some festival to celebrate something down there. I also miss having Mardi Gras and Good Friday off work at most places.
Two years ago (WOW), I had started to share my faith journey and the struggles I was going through by writing about the real life events that inspired my “Remind Me” poem. I got about two entries in before my dad’s stroke changed things for my family. Then, I took a break from writing for a long time, but still had plenty to write about. I just didn’t have the discipline to put my thoughts to paper.
In addition to my break from writing - I also took a long break from church. I wandered away from faith for a little bit. Then I wandered a lot. I have always been prone to wander, but especially in this last decade. Faith has been so messy for me since I lost Mike. I still have so many questions and a lot of hurt and anger that I’ve been struggling to release. But thankfully, it’s been easier to let go of a lot of that hurt and anger, or at the very least, not let it have as strong a hold on my life.
At the beginning of the year, I’d made a commitment to not miss church unless something drastic happened, and I didn’t until the past two Sundays because I was so sick. Then, at some point on Ash Wednesday, I began reading up on Lent and how it’s typically observed. The ad for Hallow app kept popping up on my socials, so I downloaded it and started the Lent plan that’s using The Brothers Karamozov by Fyodor Dostoevsky as a parallel to the Prodigal Son story in the Bible. And so far, I’m enjoying the plan and the book (though I’m behind on reading). And I also decided to give up listening to secular music for Lent.
Music has often been a pathway back to faith for me. I’ve been listening to songs that more openly and honestly speak to things about faith that aren’t easy. The parts that are challenging and messy. And as I’m working out my faith and finding my way back, I can see where God is right in the middle of the messes. He’s not angry or upset or bothered by them. He’s not surprised by them or anything that’s happened in my life, which brought to mind this verse from “Remind Me”:
“I never thought one day I’d want to leave Your side,
But You knew the day would come.
You saw me walking down dark paths
Before I ever had the chance to take the first step.
You filled my life with reminders in preparation
To show me that no matter where I go,
No matter how deep and dark the lows,
That You see me, and You love me
And nothing I ever do will make You stop
Looking after me.”
The Lent plan I’m using is called “The Return,” which feels pretty fitting for this season of my life. As often as I can, I’ll post some of the songs, readings, and other media that has been speaking to me. I hope to help fellow wanderers, doubters, and skeptics work through the messiness of faith and find something unexpected and beautiful.
Kimberly
“Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here’s my heart, Lord, take and seal it.”
