Grief Mix Tape
This is a post, I’ve wanted to write for some time, but kept putting it off. I loved making mix tapes/CDs when everyone was burning CDs. I would give my mixes fun names and themes like “Latin Flavor Mix,” “Independent Women,” and “It’s About Time I Made a Mix CD.” I’ve been thinking a lot lately about things I watched, listened to, or read throughout my grief journey, so I thought I’d share. Media can be helpful in dealing with one’s grief. It can be an escape or a resource, and for me it was a way for me to see other people dealing with loss since I had so few examples in my own life. The music, movies, shows, and books I read during this time helped me in one way or another.
I coped with grief in my own way when I lost Mike and again when I lost my mom. I joined a Facebook group for widows and read through their stories. I did a lot of research on being widowed. I learned that men generally get remarried within 1-2 years of losing their spouses. Women would take a lot more time - the women in the Christian’s widow group I joined were proclaiming they couldn’t imagine dating anyone ever again. I was on dating apps at the end of the month I was widowed. Point is there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there are so many losses that can be grieved that are not just losing people, but losing jobs or your way of life or just change. I’m not a therapist or an expert, so there’s the disclaimer that anything I’m sharing about what helped me through my grief may or may not help you. Seek professional counseling - no shame in that at all.
Here are the songs, movies, television, and books that helped me.
Songs
I listened to so many of the songs listed below on repeat. At the time, I was drive 90 minutes to work one-way, so music helped me lean into grief. I could cry in the car to and from work and get all my feelings out before I had to deal with people. Listen to these songs and more on Spotify.
“Braver Still” JJ Heller - Favorite Lyric: Every line of the song, but especially “Even if the dreams I had turned into dust, there’s not wreckage that’s too broken to rebuild. The world is just as scary as I thought it was, but your love makes me braver still.”
“You Will Be Found” Dear Evan Hanson Soundtrack - Being widowed makes you feel both seen and unseen at the same time. The people in your life know about this intimate and terrible thing that has happened to you. People you have never met don’t know about it, but it’s now such a big part of your identity, and you have to navigate if/when to tell people. I love the whole Dear Even Hanson soundtrack, but this song especially.
“The World Spins Madly On” The Weepies - Favorite Lyric: “I watch the stars from my window sill, the whole world is moving, but I’m standing still.”
“Thy Will” Hilary Scott & the Family Band - There are days that I still don’t understand why all that heartache was part of God’s plan for my life, but I just accept that it was.
“Your Hands” JJ Heller - Favorite Lyric: “When You walked upon the earth, You healed the broken, lost, and hurt. I know You hate to see me cry. One day You will set all things right.”
Movies
P.S. I Love You - As a young widow, I didn’t really know any other widowed people in my life, so I looked to fictional ones to feel less alone. This movie is super sad at first, but hopeful by the end.
Avengers: End Game - Taking place shortly after the events of Avengers: Infinity War, we see the remaining avengers deal with their own grief at having lost so many people and their battle. I went to theatre to watch this one alone because going to the openings of Marvel/DC movies were Mike’s and my jam. Plus, Cory had to catch up on like every Marvel movie. He hadn’t even seen Infinity War before we met in 2018!
Say Anything - I love this movie, and I watch it a lot to cheer me up.
Television
Sorry for Your Loss - Available on Facebook Watch - It’s only 2 seasons, but it stars Elizabeth Olsen as a widow just trying to get through her grief.
Jane the Virgin - Available on Netflix - I was about halfway through the series before Mike passed, and Jane also was widowed (kind of). If anything, it’s a nice escape.
BoJack Horseman - Available on Netflix - Full transparency, I would wake up every morning and watch BoJoack Horseman in bed while I was on leave after Mike’s death. That’s all I would do until someone asked if I was hungry or invited me somewhere. There’s a lot going in the series, but grief is something that appears on the show for sure. There’s also a lot of other not-so family friendly storylines, language, etc., it’s a show that made each day a little better.
Books
Option B - Sheryl Sandberg with Adam Grant - This book uses statistics and personal story-telling to provide a path through grief. Sandberg, who is or was COO of Facebook, shares her story of dealing with the loss of her husband and the effect it had on her personal and professional life.
You Can Trust God to Write Your Story - Robert and Nancy Woglemuth - I wanted answers after Mike’s death, and it wasn’t until I read this book that I was finally able to let go of the need for answers.
Mastering Fear: A Navy SEAL’s Guide - Brandon Webb - This book deals more with how to push through fear, but the same principles apply to grief. You don’t get over your grief. It’s not something you get over, but rather something that you live through.
Bonus: This TED Talk about grief is also a great watch: “We Don’t Move on from Grief, We Move Forward.”
If you’re struggling with loss, I hope you find some relief. It’s probably not in anything I’ve written in this post, but it’s still my prayer and hope for you.
Kimberly
